In this episode, we talk to Patricia Pasquín, a psychologist and educator at @wildlessons, about how to identify the foundations of a healthy relationship, the red flags we shouldn't ignore, and how to heal our emotional wounds through our connections with others. Topics we explore 00:00 Intro 02:19 The difference between infatuation and real love07:20 Why we use the word "toxic" as an umbrella term for everything09:58 How our body reacts to what isn't good for us, even before we rationalize it13:44 The idea that there are no healthy or toxic relationships, only dynamics that allow us to grow or cause us harm18:32 The wounds activated in our first relationships and how they condition the ones that follow22:00 Tools to honestly ask yourself: is my relationship in a good place?41:21 The role of the ego and how it sabotages intimacy58:13 What a red flag is and how to distinguish it from fleeting discomfort01:02:02 What therapy really means and how it can help you transform the way you relate to others. Key moments Romantic love vs. true love Infatuation vs. Love [03:04]: Infatuation is an intense and wonderful phase, but it is fleeting and necessary for survival. Love, on the other hand, involves a deeper commitment and the acceptance of both the light and shadow of the other. Instant gratification culture [03:30]: We live in a society that seeks immediate satisfaction, which makes it difficult for us to tolerate discomfort and frustration in relationships. This leads to an ego-driven perspective, expecting the other person to do everything for us. The reality of relationships [04:46]: A loving relationship implies accepting the other with their imperfections, wounds, and behavioral patterns, and being willing to communicate our own discomfort without betraying ourselves. Why do we justify harmful behaviors? Relational learning [06:04]: The way we learned to relate in childhood, especially with our caregivers, influences how we express needs, set boundaries, and manage conflict. If our emotions or needs were minimized, we may tend to normalize relationships where we aren't treated well. Confusion with "toxicity" [08:05]: The word "toxic" is overused, making it difficult to differentiate between behaviors that simply make us uncomfortable and truly harmful or dangerous situations (like violence). It is more useful to speak of "harm" than "toxicity." Personal wounds [13:20]: Often, discomfort in a relationship relates to our own wounds (abandonment, rejection). It is our responsibility to work on them so we don't project unrealistic expectations onto the other person. The body as a relationship indicator Physical signals [10:20]: The body is a powerful indicator of how we feel in a relationship. Signals like tension, restlessness, anxiety, insomnia, emotional or energetic exhaustion, or physical pain (such as in the jaw or stomach) can indicate that something isn't right. Listening to the body [33:24]: It is essential to learn to listen to our body's signals. Keeping a record of how we react to certain situations can help us identify patterns and understand our own cues, which can be very different from those of other people. The laws of a healthy relationship The intention to build agreements [14:47]: Both people must have the intention to build agreements based on respect and tenderness. Vulnerability and honesty [26:26]: Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and showing up honestly is key. This means communicating our fears and what we are going through, even if it leaves us in a position that triggers our wounds. Balance and space [31:30]: Giving space to our own emotions, feelings, values, and limits, and having the other person respect them too. It isn't about a constant 50/50, but about supporting each other at different times in life. Conflict management [23:55]: A conflict is an opportunity to grow. It should be addressed with respect, empathy, and from an "I" perspective ("I feel this way") instead of a "you" perspective ("you make me feel..."), to prevent the other person from feeling attacked. Why it's hard to leave a harmful relationship Idealization and fantasy [35:12]: At the start of a relationship, we tend to idealize the person and the relationship, creating a fantasy we want to build upon. When reality appears, it can be difficult to accept that it doesn't match that fantasy. Fear of uncertainty and starting over [37:56]: The fear of the unknown, of not finding anyone else, or of things failing again keeps us in relationships that don't satisfy us. Memory bias [48:49]: Our mind has a survival mechanism that minimizes or forgets painful memories while magnifying positive ones, which causes us to idealize the past and makes it harder to leave harmful relationships. Ego and masks [39:49]: The ego, understood as the mask we build to protect ourselves, leads us to show only our best versions at first. Maintaining that mask is exhausting and, in the long run, harms the relationship by hiding parts of who we are. Is it a fleeting crisis or the end? Fleeting crisis [45:22]: A specific conflict that both parties are willing to resolve through communication and joint effort. It is accepted that there will be moments of harm in relationships, and the work lies in talking about it and reviewing it. Time to end it [46:46]: If the same crises repeat, if one person is constantly yielding while the other is not, or if any type of violence (physical, psychological, emotional) exists. It is important to take time to decide "in a cool head" and not avoid the decision. Effective communication and "Red Flags" Two-way communication [52:49]: It is not just about knowing how to express what we feel, but also being good listeners, with empathy and without misinterpreting. Two truths can be valid [55:13]: It is crucial to accept that the other person's perspective can be valid, even if it differs from ours. Our emotions are real, but what we do with them isn't always valid. "Red flags" as signals, not sentences [57:09]: Red flags are indicators that something "smells fishy" and invite us to ask questions, not to condemn the relationship as toxic. For example, "gaslighting" (when they invalidate your experience) is a clear red flag. Emotional immaturity and personal work Emotional maturity [01:00:32]: Many times, what is labeled as "narcissism" is actually emotional immaturity, the inability to tolerate difficult emotions or discomfort. Personal work [01:03:02]: The invitation is to have a genuine interest in getting to know yourself, to be willing to see our "shadows" (parts of us that we don't like or that are hidden), and to work on our capacity to hold our own and others' emotions. Therapy is a key tool. Regular relationship check-ins [01:07:42]: Doing periodic "check-ins" (monthly or seasonally) to talk about how each person feels, if there are unmet needs, or things that have changed, is a very useful tool. This video is an invitation to deep reflection on our relationships, promoting self-awareness, vulnerability, and honest communication as fundamental pillars for building healthy and respectful bonds. An episode to listen to calmly, reflect on, and, above all, start observing yourself with more compassion and awareness within your bonds.
